His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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