When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
