New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
