You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
