first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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