Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
