Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
