Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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