I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
