My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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