im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize