I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
