I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
