benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
