I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
