We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
