TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize