headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
