On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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