You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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