dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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