i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
