i just wanna soil my oats bro
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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