I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
