he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
