When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
