You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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