Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
that is very illegal...i love you.
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