the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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