Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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