meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
