I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
