She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize