you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
