why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
