if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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