Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You have to summon your inner elephant
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
