im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
