I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
