It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
