Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
