My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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