woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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