K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
