Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
