I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize