Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
