just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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