So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
