I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
