I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Randomize
