He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
