i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
