Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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