At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
