It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
