I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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