a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
