I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize