I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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