the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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