I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
