im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
