i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
