I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
