I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just high enough for therapy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
