Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
