First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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