i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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