Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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